mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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