I want to have your abortion
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
