There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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