Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
