Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
