she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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