is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Randomize
