you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
