I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
