I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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