i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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