hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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