i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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