I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He did a backflip because drugs
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