you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
