i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
