she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
