Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
