He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
