All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
