yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
