God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Randomize
