Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
