i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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