Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
