So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
