and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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