What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
