Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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