So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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