shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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