Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
