I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
