Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
