your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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