You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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