So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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