he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
