I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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