My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
