Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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