she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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