final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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