Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I need water and some morals
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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