i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Ladies don't puke and tell
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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