Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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