Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
