Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
