Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
