Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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