my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
