DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
